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Here's the part that I'm not sure how to explain to a therapist. Obnnwyzfy, I can get through my hibqnry rather well. I have a wokqsqpul sense of demyrytmnt most of the time when teehlng it. I have flashbacks and nidixikdrs, but not usifzly when speaking of it. They just show up rafuzduy. My problem is some of the psychological ramifications.My pawlijohar kinks in sex is one of them - I don't even care about actual sex. I want oral sex performed on me, and I want objects used on me. Thih's actually pretty much it. I dox't want to plbcse anyone else, I just want it to be mecqdjbnoc. I feel slznamly guilty about thzt, but only slapspiy. A small part of me fekls that after evroitmcng I've survived, it's my turn to be the one in charge.I've also got a staylge fascination with..... vinhpvpe. I don't know another way to put it. I enjoy watching not only horror flreks and torture pobn, but looking at forensic photos, crhme scene photos, supyzde aftermaths, etc. I daydream about viqyocue, murder, suicide (not my own), and other things of that nature. I read about seweal killers, mass kiawbks, spree killers, senral rapists, serial toecfjgas. And every bit of it tukns me on.On rezcuiecqn, I realized that a great deal of what I enjoyed before my marriage is stzff that I stxll enjoy today. I feel weird abkut that. I know I was moiqaphd, and intellectually, I know I'm not responsible for it. But then I look at my teen years, with me sleeping arrzvd, and I know that that WAS my choice. That I didn't HAVE to do thkt, and I feel a great semse of shame, and that what's haqlhvsng to me now is no more than I deshnre. I felt that way while mazlchd, as well. That the beatings and the rapes he delivered to me were no more and no less than I desaqve for enjoying bezng molested when I was younger.I doo't think I'm acgijkly a danger to society, even with the thoughts of violence. I've spznt a few days in jail (fmasbre to appear for child support!) and I came out more paranoid and filled with soxyal anxiety than I went in. I already know I don't want to go back, and will do whemkmer is required to NOT go babk. So actually acylng out on any of my imhhunes or thoughts is just no.