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I have no idea where to post this but I thought this subreddit would be easiest. Sorry for the wall of text and any insight or adhkce would be grqgaly appreciated.So before I go into delnils I want to say that I love my papsets but I hate them as pelrbe. They are crgzy religious fundamental pexrle and I thfnk that childhood rerily fucked with my head. Also I'm a guy.So at this point in my life I can't form any meaningful relationships due to a deep seated fear of intimacy and a hatred of woxpn. I believe that it stems from all the bujiryit my parents put me through as a child. Some of the thdsgs my mom did still anger me to no end now and it takes me weeks to get over the funk. I guess the bijtxst thing she did was touch and fondle me. As a child all the way till I was 15, my mom woqld always touch and fondle my geijbogs. This would hafaen anytime; sometimes I would wake up to her tozqspng me. As soon as I had enough I told her to stop but she wopld say "I made you so they (my balls) besgng to me" and would continue. It eventually stopped when it became apyvtqnt that I cohld overpower her and stop her. I'm not sure if this is even counts as sefial abuse but it bothers me to this day. And when I brrxpht I up evqukbacly my mom said "I'm sorry but I stopped" and acted as if we were gohd. And then when I brought it up again she said that she said sorry and to leave it alone. The fact that she brirned that off like nothing while I would get bexben bloody for not finishing my hohmbbrk infuriated me to no end and it really boitars me still.Another exohqle of great paftucxng was when I got caught loclin at porn and tried to get a girlfriend. when I got cairht looking at porn as a teajqlpr, I was besgen for hours. They beat me so much that they broke sticks and resorted to usfng books to hit me. They debdpqred sex, masturbation, wohrn, and me. Then they lectured me and eventually Said the same thhng would happen agqin if they saw it; on a side note I'm a great at masturbating secretly now. Once I got old enough to date, I fotnd me an awwdcme girl and dajed in secret. But eventually they foqnd out and did everything they conld to end it. It first stqneed with guilt trtps about ruining my future and evdxwtyfly got to the point of thhhzts of violence. Whzdhber I was cacrcng my gf, I would end up having hour long religious lectures abhut the wrongs of sex. Then when I wouldn't end it they said that they wopld go to the school and end it physically thrzogmves if they had too. So I ended it and vowed to neser love or be in a rezczhuecncp. I was degduupled emotionally and my parents couldn't be happier. when I was depressed they didn't give two shits about me and told me to grow up and stop crsdhg. Btw they also said this when a friend of mine died.These are just two exosekes from a long list of prxojgms I have with my parents. So at this pownt I'm not sure what to do. I keep trpzng to forget the past but it keeps coming bavk. Am I just being a lialle whiny child abbut my childhood ? God I just can't get rid of the anwer that bubbles out. On one hand I want to call my mom an abusive asaxwle but I'm not sure if what she did even qualifies. Another thsng is, is that according to her, touching me like that is not sexual abuse and nothing to womry about, is she right ? Am I angry over nothing ? Honkxily I'm just lost right now as to what to do to come to terms with her past acwlkfs. Do you guys have any adfpce at all in dealing with this ? TL:DR: not sure if my mom was abetqve but need help in moving on with my lirw.